After trying unsuccessfully to sit through Bad Milo!, an addition to the “bad” horror movie genre, where a guy so stressed about his life produces a little demon out of his rectum that kills people, it left me wondering: what about it did not hold my attention? What was noticeably lacking in it that didn’t redeem itself? What makes a bad horror movie… well, good?
There are three elements to every bad horror movie for it to achieve success:
- Witty dialogue: there needs to be great punch lines and puns especially after a killing like the ironic “Get Stuffed” from a psycho turkey.
- A great villain, like maniacal ice cream man or animated snowman: the movie has to have someone that you can laugh about. The more ridiculous the situation, the better the odds of success.
- Knows its tropes and doesn’t take itself seriously: the hot big boobed girl that always dies first or the ill-fated teen who checks the basement saying, “I’ll be right back.” These movies call these elements on the carpet and poke fun at them creatively.
Here are a few slasher films that succeed in all three for your Halloween (or anytime) horror movie pleasure:
ThanksKilling. 2009. 70 minutes. NR.
Part-Halloween, part-Thanksgiving holiday film, this movie is a two-for-one which promises on the box, “boobs in the first second.” Made in just a short weekend with a low-budget puppet turkey that falls apart during production, this movie is exactly how it sounds. A killer turkey comes to life to terrorize college kids who are coming home on Thanksgiving break. The turkey is the best part of the movie, stealing the show with his over the top one-liners and even scoring with the hot chick in a scene that cannot be erased from memory. Common stereotypical roles such as the stoner, the hot girl, and the overprotective cop father add comic relief to the scenes. They provide a reassurance to the audience and a sense of morbid curiosity for how these roles will be played out “this time.” The movie gave me a surprising wave of nostalgia for slasher movies of the 80’s and 90’s. In a scene with perhaps a homage to classics like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the turkey skins the overprotective cop and uses it as a disguise to trick the college kids to enter the house. It actually works. This film skipped a sequel and went straight to a third movie actually about the non existent 2nd movie. I can’t wait to see it this holiday season with the family.
Jack Frost. 1997. 89 minutes. Rated R.
How does a snowman kill someone in a shower without melting? Judging from the hologram cover, did you expect the movie to be plausible? Not to be confused with the touching family film where a deceased father embodies a snowman to talk to his son starring Michael Keaton, this movie is a horror film about a serial killer that is genetically mutated into a snowman. He even goes on holiday to a tropic island in part 2. This film is also full of comic zingers like chasing someone with an icicle while claiming, “I have to make a point” and an inventive killing involving children and sled. Also worth nothing, this movie was Shannon Elizabeth’s, of American Pie fame, first role and probably one she likes to forget. The bad acting is somehow forgiven, because let’s face it, it is hard to act scared in front of an evil Frosty the Snowman.
Dr. Giggles. 1992. 95 minutes. Rated R.
Although I don’t always agree with the health care system in the US, they never met Dr. Giggles, the maniacal son of a local deceased doctor. Dr. Giggles actually giggles like a schoolgirl throughout his killings, hence the nickname, with a doctor’s bag of goodies including a giant band aid (which he actually kills with). What could have driven him to this? As a 7 year old boy he actually cuts himself out of his dead mother in a disturbing re-birthing scene. Our heronine, Jennfier Campbell (Holly Marie Coombs from Charmed), 19, suffers from a heart condition. Like most horror movie beginnings, her friends are dared to enter the old doctor’s office where they meet Giggles and suffer an untimely death. Jennifer is tormented as her friends and townsmen are being killed. Throw in the common teens being punished for sex trope and you have another slasher winner. Jennifer spends most of the movie running from Giggles who wants to conduct immediate heart surgery. This movie has a few nods to Wes Craven’s Nightmare on Elm Street. Like serial killer Freddy Kruger, Dr. Giggles gets his own nursery rhyme:
This town has a doctor and his name is Rendell
Stay away from his house cause he’s the doctor from Hell.
He killed all his patients, every last one,
And cut out their hearts… purely for fun.
So if you’re from Moorehigh and you get sick
Fall on your knees and pray you die quick.
Poetry in motion. Much like Kruger’s infamous one-liners, Giggles has some of my second favorite one-liners and puns which are summed up nicely in this YouTube video:
So next time you gripe over a copay, hey it could be worse.
Ice Cream Man. 1995. 84 minutes. Rated R.
What happens when a porno director decides to make a horror movie? Adult director Paul Norman delves into the horror genre with a story of a child who witnesses the murder of his friend, goes insane, and decides to murder using an ice cream truck. Clint Howard, Ron Howard’s lesser-known brother, has a pretty looney look about him in general, so it didn’t seem too much like acting but he did drive around screaming at the top of his lungs everyday to secure a more gravely voice for his role. Add some Kung-Fu mental patients, a decapitation puppet show and some unfortunate ice cream recipes and you have a dark comedy. Where else can you see an actual severed head as the cherry on top? Not to worry though, the neighborhood kids are on to him, proving the common trope that kids are sometimes smarter than adults in horror movies in a Hansel and Gretel-esque retribution.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space. 1988. 88 minutes. PG 13.
I have previously talked about my love affair with this masterpiece for the BBC.
Vampire’s Kiss. 1988. 103 minutes. Rated R.
I love Nicholas Cage. In fact, he should be my next Spotlight because talk about a range! Can you do a cop/crack addict? Sure! One handed love interest with a temper? No problem! Angel that wants to be human and actually like Meg Ryan? YEP! Guy that gets a face transplant? No problem Vampire? Well, maybe? This lesser well known movie is categorized as a horror movie, but it’s really more of a dark comedy. Peter Loew (Nicholas Cage), a literary agent, has a sexual encounter with a woman who bites him on the neck. Afterwards he thinks he is a vampire (Spoiler: he’s not), despite his bat dreams, trying to drink blood, and flipping his shit at his poor secretary… I actually have the face he makes when he yells at his secretary framed as a watercolor painting outside my bathroom door. By the way, have you seen the amount of stuff Nicholas Cage’s face is on while shopping at Etsy? He has an entire website where people placed his face on Pokemon (Gotta cage them all) and not to mention a Facebook group. He’s amazing.
There are times when I want to watch a horror movie, but not come out of the movie theater and repeatedly check my back seat a few times or double-check all the doors are locked before I go to bed. Thank you Jeepers Creepers. Sometimes I like to watch something creepy, but in the end have a good, dark laugh. This is a list for those times.
