1984. 146 minutes. Rated PG.
“You do with mogwai what your society… has done with all of nature’s gifts. You do not understand. You are not ready.”
Have you ever re-watched a movie that you loved as a kid only to have it be squashed with your adult eyes and your lack of suspension of disbelief? That was how my 35-year-old self felt when I sat down this Christmas to re-watch my favorite Christmas movie, Gremlins.
It starts out innocently enough: would-be-inventor Randall Pelzer (Hoyt Axon) follows a young boy around the streets of Chinatown with a guarantee of a special gift for his son for Christmas (sounds like my adventures on Canal St. in NYC). After hearing strange singing from the back room, Randall discovers a Mogwai which he decides he MUST have and is in no way fazed by NEVER hearing of this species EVER. The shopkeeper says it is not for sale but his grandson does a back alley trade for cash and leaves him with three important rules: don’t get him wet, don’t feed him after midnight, and don’t expose him to sunlight. Easy enough right? Maybe a pet rock next time, Randall.
His wife Lynn (Frances Lee McCain) and son Billy (Zach Gallagher) are completely unfazed by this creature, now named Gizmo, and quickly welcome him into the family. Perhaps we accept it as an audience because we have already suspended our disbelief that Randall’s a terrible inventor, his wife stays home, and Billie is the sole breadwinner working at part-time at a bank still managing to make ends meet. When the next-door neighbor (a cameo from Corey Feldman) accidentally drops water on Gizmo he asexually reproduces a litter of new Mogwais that aren’t as nice. In a comedy of errors, the motley Mogwai crew (except for Gizmo) are allowed to eat after midnight and they become Gremlins: a scaly, ugly and evil counterpart to their Mogwai forms. The scene where they eat the chicken wings is disgusting. It is reminiscent of how my cat Oscar eats…
The Mogwais transform in a scene right out of Aliens completely with large gooey eggs. I give kudos to the mother, though, who is home alone baking gingerbread cookies listening to Do You Hear What I Hear? (which I still think of every time I hear that song) when the eggs hatch. She immediately grabs a knife and needs no saving. Honestly, I am surprised most of Randall’s inventions hadn’t taken her down already. Chaos ensues as Gremlins take over the town and it is up to Billy and his potential girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates) to save the day.
I am willing to accept that there is a creature in the shops of Chinatown that no one has ever heard but after that, I have lots of unanswered questions:
Water
First off, if the Mogwais can’t get wet, why doesn’t snow bother the Gremlins? They walk around all over town among giant drifts of snow. When Spike, the leader of the Gremlins, dives into a pool he multiplies exponentially, so snow should have had a similar effect. Also, there is a bar scene where multiple Gremlins are drinking beer… made of WATER. It’s sloshing around everywhere and spills on multiple Gremlins.
The Collective Unconscious
The Gremlins start dressing up as characters as they rampage through town. There is a nudist flasher, several bank robbers, and a drag queen. How did they know these things existed? Did Gizmo, through all his TV watching and observing, pass down his knowledge to the other Gremlins? How did they find clothes in their size? How did they learn English? Although I’m not sure Gizmo Ca-Ca is a resounding mastery of the language. My mother use to torment me by calling me Jessica Ca-Ca… anywho…
Time Zones
So you can’t feed the Mogwais after midnight, but depending on what country or region you are in, midnight would change. Is it the midnight from the Mogwai’s original home? Should it be more like a 3 hour time range to avoid? I think this calls for a Gremlins prequel honestly.
Messed Up Scenes (SPOILER!!! Highlight the text to read)
Kate hates Christmas. Why? Because her dad tried to surprise her when she was a kid by dressing as Santa and climbing down the chimney. He died in the chimney and the smell was the only thing that alerted them days later. WOW. JUST WOW. You get a pass from Christmas forever, Kate. Seriously.
The Gremlins kill people. Why? No idea. Maybe it’s because they are representations of the ID, maybe they are just evil. Once again, please make a prequel. The crankiest lady in town has a ton of cats and an electric chair for her stairs. I actually was a bit more sympathetic to her this time around. I mean, Billy’s dog was messing up her yard and she wasn’t happy about it. But how heartless could she be when she takes care of like, twenty cats, right? She just wasn’t a dog person! (visions of the future, only hopefully with robot caretakers…)
So what happens to the Gremlins? Billy blows most of them up in the movie theater while they watch Snow White. How is this town going to come back from this? The Gremlins have trashed most of the shops in town and now the rest are probably on fire. Great job, Billy.
The guy from the curiosities shop must have heard the news or something, gets their address, and shows up at their house saying, “They aren’t ready for this responsibility” and takes Gizmo back. (They all have a big “Full House” lesson wrap up with studio laugh and que music j/k). Actually, they just pack him up and say goodbye as if they’re all still in shock, as they should be from the trauma. THE END.
So BBC readers, I’d love to hear your theories and comments on this one. In the meantime, enjoy Urban Dictionary’s definitions of bathroom buddies.
